Why worry and frustration are great indicators that you need to let go and surrender.
Wednesday March 20, 2024
I find it hard to believe I am old enough to have a boyfriend turned husband that I have known now for 21 years! Our relationship is old enough to drink (here in the States!)!
And as we embark on the 2024 round of March Madness brackets for both men and women, I am reminded of the reason why we chose to have our 1st official date, at a bar, with all our friends. Up until this time, we had hiked a few times with the dogs, played a few rounds of H-O-R-S-E in the courts at the YMCA and spotted each other on numerous PRs in the weight room. Something about Tom let me know that we would work out everything that made our individual lives so complicated at the time, and ultimately live our lives together. It took almost 5 years for Tom to see this vision reliably enough that he put a ring on it and oh my word, what a crazy ride it has been. I feel so fortunate to be able to look back, after all these years, all these trials, and still smile. I thank my head in the stars, relatively naive mind for staying the course despite numerous obstacles, and I thank his feet on the ground, super alert mind for holding out until we were both ready for such a big, sometimes overwhelmingly giant, commitment that has continued to make like beautiful, even if that beauty is only seen after the storms.
Because of Tom’s work schedule, I have a home schedule that mirrors his – but is opposite. Meaning when he is gone, I am home and vice versa. So what this means is that when he surprised us with a day off today (this is the 1st time I ever remember such a surprise), I had a surprise morning at home while he took Mitch to school (he goes every morning for a few hours to a local trade school learning how to operate heavy equipment and since we homeschool, we are required to take him and pick him up). So I dabbled in some of my chores and todo’s but all the while was grappling with why I was feeling so uneasy… and then I happened to come across a perfect answer to this question in no other place but on the treadmill… am I alone in not being surprised with this? There is just something about moving our bodies that also moves our minds. Anyway, I realized that I had my feathers a little ruffled because up until this morning I was under the impression that Tom would be working his usual work week and here is my big revelation… not that I had plans for errands, etc. between drop off and pick up, or that I had an idea of what the day looked like and then it suddenly turned… we live life spontaneously enough that I’ve encountered all those emotions before then work through them and come out on the other side to be thankful for these unexpected moments. Today was different and I think it was so different because in the past 4 weeks we have weathered som serious storms. February is historically a tough time, especially for Tom, because of the lack of sunlight. Now that it’s mid-late March we have evaluated every option from slowing or stopping our farm dreams to moving to a different state and everything in between. You see, our lives are dependent on the whim and the prayer that was started back in 2018 when we blindly committed to starting a new job and moving to a place we had never been – and Tom had only been to interview. Oh and did I mention that it was across the country! From Pennsylvania to Montana, and then back again less than a year later. We went from living in the suburbs with a 1/2 acre lawn while driving the kids to and from practices, walking them to the bus stop, going to the gym, etc. to moving to Montana and then back again with dreams of a small farm and kids who came in everyday with applicable knowledge and dirt under their fingers to prove it. We have researched every DIY project that we have embarked on because we know that YouTube University will help us make this place a better place all the while teaching us to show the kids what life-long learners are. After all, those are our only true goals for them…. goals that surround the idea of them always waking up as students of our life lessons. And so here we are. Rought with turmult over our crazy quest in living an upside down kind of life. All this, because Tom took a surprise day off and didn’t tell us until the morning of… I’ve never not been in on these kind of secrets and I thought that was what was bothering me. But then I did a little more digging (let’s be honest, I just let my mind unravel a bit more) and I realized that I was upset because his finish line was – knowingly- closer than mine and so he was able to let his guard down soonr than I could. I realized then that I have been trying to be a guard dog for him, because I see how worn out he is, and in being this person for him – along with who I need to be for everyone else – my heart is connected to his problems at work. The biggest issue here is not that I care so much about what goes on throughout his days, and even more so how he feels about it all… but rather that I am locked into feeling emotions that I 100% have no say in how they turn out. I cannot control what happens to Tom, how others treat him, or even how he decides to respond to it all. I have allowed myself to get scooped up in the lie that loving others well means worrying about them. And, *sigh* I am quick to remind myself that worrying is the opposite of faith. Since I consider myself a person of faith, and I trust that God is in control, I must find a way to surrender this anxiety brought on by trying to protect and stay humble enough to know that control (especially in this manner) is nothing but a facade. It is a lie of the enemy to keep me, and everyone around me who is effected by my worry, small too.
So, I prayed. I thanked God for this revelation. Asked Him to continue revealing these tendencies I have to try and gain control. And ultimately I asked Him to help surrender and continue fighting on my knees. I can’t control life anymore than I can control the weather, and guess what – I was never made for that. I was made to be strong while maintaining flexibility. Much like the big trees in a wind storm, if I can’t bend I will break. Same goes for you. So what are you holding onto so tightly that is causing you to feel worry or the sense of being out of control? What can you let go of and give to God? Remember God sized problems inevitably lead to God sized solutions, but only if we ask through prayer and staying humble.
You got this, Momma. Stay strong and learn to bend when you need to. Remember we are always stronger together.
See ya next time. -Jenn