I’ve never felt like I really belonged anywhere. I have a great group of friends and close family members that seem to understand certain parts of me (sometimes more than I understand myself), but I have never truly felt like I fit into one type of group or style. In high school, I was not athletic enough to be a jock nor studious enough to be a nerd. In college, I was too cool to be called a prude but too focused to be thought of as laid back. I joined several weight loss groups but was always the one in between with not a bunch of weight to lose but also not a great success story to share. In Mom groups, I am involved enough to see what is happening, but I don’t stay close enough to be deemed a helicopter Mom. The struggle is real. But I am sure I am not alone.
I grew up with a sister four years older than me and similar to a very petite, beautifully tanned, and proportioned Barbie doll. She looked good in anything she wore, and her smile was contagious. Every teacher, parent, and coach loved her, and every young girl wanted to be like her, including me. I, however, got different genes. I have dark brown, curly hair compared to her blonde, straight (yet easy to curl) hair. My measurements have been larger than hers for as long as I can remember, from waist size to height to weight… I have always been bigger. Somehow, I got the tall genes in a short family. Again, I never fit in. In retrospect, I realize that I defined most of my identity by who I was not (and in the early years that was all about not being my sister because we looked and acted like polar opposites) and although I have grown from this, I wonder if the weight of feeling like I never belonged help me realize that I was made for more than what I was always seeking.
I realize a lot of ‘fitting in’ is a mentality; I also know that it is a mutually felt feeling and a survival goal in being a human. Even the people who don’t want to fit into society’s multiple molds still want a place where they feel they belong. I can honestly say I never felt that comfort. But, in the yearning and determination to find it, I have come across some interesting conclusions that I think you may identify with, even if you have found a spot to belong once, twice, or throughout your entire life.
- When you feel like people get you, you are more likely to go with the crowd mentality.
- Our brains want to do the least work possible throughout the day to get the jobs done. Even the most driven among us have brains that long for autopilot in our thoughts and actions. Why? Well, because it is our brains that are constantly at work to keep our bodies healthy and moving and well alive. Our minds want not to have to think about what they are doing in order to get stuff done. That is why change is so hard. That is why when we have headed the same way to work to go to the store, if we aren’t talking, we get off at our work exit… it’s just our brain doing the least possible to get us to the next point successfully. In saying this, I believe when we feel a certain amount of comfort with others, we are more likely to bend our minds to agree with them and their thoughts and thereby potentially act in ways we may not have otherwise acted had we not felt like we fit in. Actions repeated become habits, and habits make up our life. Be careful who you identify with, and be certain you are genuine in your approach and actions with others.
- When you are in a spot where you feel alone, you get really good at naming your emotions or, at the very least, understanding the complicated ones may not ever have names.
- Because people can’t finish your sentences, in fact, you are the one that gets the pauses and stares to explain more… after a while, it gets uncomfortable, and even though you may not offer your advice, there are times you find yourself contributing to conversations and it is in those moments when you realize you are able to name emotions and feel them more vividly because they are yours and yours alone.
- When you feel like a square peg in a round hole, you are less likely to settle.
- That’s right, even though striving is tiring and it is hard, and it is, at times, not rewarding, there is an opportunity for growth if you set your mind to it.
- You find ways to fit in with a wide group of people.
- Since one group doesn’t define your interests, you are more likely to see some similarities in several different groups of people with ranging interests. The thing is, not everyone will share the same interests, but you may find some polka-dotted similarities, and when you do, those are cool dots to connect!
Sometimes going with the flow is the best thing you can do. In life, we can’t fight everything. However, if you find yourself in a group of people, and you are the type of person that has rarely found their ‘fit’ I bet you are less likely to go with what others say without some serious thought and realization that this may be a moment when you can hang with the pack and feel like you’re part of a group… even if it is something small in common. Life is worth living, and living together with people is a great feeling. Whether it is a shared football team, a church group, or a Mom group, it is still nice to be around others who understand something – even if it is not everything – about you and what matters to you.
Being weird is a category that doesn’t have a category. Oftentimes, the loners, the ones that seem like they are doing this all on their own, are part of a group that never meets. We have so much in common, but we will never connect because, on the surface, there are worlds of differences between us. However, looking deeper, those who haven’t found a group of people that they just automatically feel at home with have learned to adapt and improvise and, despite our introvert or extrovert personalities, we all bumble through life, picking up that which serves us, and setting down that which does not… but all along we meet people along the way who are going through very similar yet very different battles. It helps to remember that kindness matters.
If what I am saying resonates with you, then let me tell you this… you are right where you need to be, right now, with all the tools you need to have to either stay comfortably where you are for a little while or to up level right away. The tools and timing are yours, and you will just know when and what that is when the timing is right. The frustration is in the waiting.
You were made for more, and in the making, you will find your place. If, however, you are someone that has had a group for as long as you can remember or someone that may have finally found their people… this message can be for you too! Please, do your best to stay curious. Try not to let that autopilot mind go into mindless actions and thoughts. That becomes habits, and habits become daily lives. Be the voice of change when the voice of change is needed, agree when you agree, be a student – we don’t always have to have opinions… and fight like fire when something goes against your beliefs. Never ever settle for anything less than the very best for both yourself and others.
Always remember, even if we are not all connected all the time. We are stronger together, our brokenness makes us beautiful, and life is really just one big crazy journey that we are all blessed to be a part of… be kind to the people you meet, for you do not know what battles they are facing.
The more you know… 🙂
Be kind always, Jenn.