The term hard work has always intimidated me, so it really should have come as no surprise when I realized just how off-putting and instantly overwhelming I feel when I am asked actually to do hard work. Most of the time, because of my need to please, when others ask for help, I will jump in and figure it out along the way. However, when I am left to my own thoughts… it’s a completely different story. I get in my own way. I question finishing before I even start. And even worse, when it is mental work – the really hard stuff that sometimes we need to sit with and allow the discomfort to stir something within us – I sit down with the best of intentions only to come out of it with a new Pinterest board of recipe hopefuls and learning a whole bunch about whatever science-y random topic I can cling onto in order to justify not inflicting pain on my own mind and heart. But this work is so rewarding. It’s kind of like renovations for the soul. But searching the archives of our minds and changing the thoughts we didn’t even know we think sometimes seems impossible. So, I remind myself to start small…
When I am met with an obstacle, a strong feeling, or even a lesser-known feeling that just will not go away, I have learned to walk it out and then write it out. It is what works best for me. In doing this, I realize I am an internal processor. In contrast, an external processor kind of mind would do best talking it out either via voice app on phone or chatting with a friend. Knowing how I churn the idea around helps to lessen the surprise of how tough these times can be – and it also allows me to keep the focus on moving the needle forward, so I don’t wallow too much and miss the opportunity to grow, much less tempt my depression or anxiety to rear its ugly head in the midst of the wilderness.
For the past few years, I have been on a simplification warpath. I have tried to trim the extra from everything from random sock drawers (still haven’t figured this rhythm out) to thoughts in my head that are no longer welcomed there. It’s been a freeing journey – but sometimes simplifying can feel so complicated. If you branch out to do any type of research, you can come up with literally hundreds of different types of journals – all catering to different aspects of self-care and self-growth. There are planners, organization tools, noise-canceling headphones, and don’t even get me started on the world of bullet journaling and all the rabbit holes I can find there (those spreads are ah-mazing!). But at the end of the day, some paper, a hard writing surface, and a good reliable pen are all I need to really get the job done. Prompts and guidance sometimes help – but most times, just putting pen to paper gets the ideas flowing. It’s here where the magic starts.
Let it be easy. A thought that everyone can understand, but few really know how to implement. Heck, I used to think that being busy defined my worth. That an open calendar or holes in my schedule proved that I was a loser. Then I realized a lot of those lies were sourced in my head. Someone, somewhere, made me feel inferior and that business = importance, and I allowed those thoughts to come in and take root in my mind. You can imagine how that affected my family. I can remember nursing my babies and feeling like I needed to do something while I was sitting there because it drove me crazy just to sit there. How sad. But instead of wishing for those moments back, and believe me, I could go down that sad road full of blame and shame; I choose to be thankful for how far I have come in embracing the car rides to and from random events or the times in the kitchen when I am waiting for dinner to get to the next step. Had I not done the hard work head-on and promised myself not to allow the things I cannot change to bring me down, but rather provide lessons for the here and now and the future… I would still be battling frustration in traffic and keeping busy while I waited for the water to boil. Shifting the focus to what matters helps so much – but in order to know what matters to you… you need to do the hard work because it is truly different for everyone. Society will tell you that we are all the same. However, some Moms show their love by playing Minecraft or Fortnite with their kids and would rather do anything than make a mess and cook in the kitchen with their kids, while other Moms limit screen time and gauge their parenting success on whether or not the kids know the difference between rapid rise, bread machine, and regular yeast. As for me, when the kids can churn out some yummy kitchen creations while dancing to the tunes of some ’70s, 80s, or 90s hit, I feel like there should be a super Mom cape custom made in my honor.
Few people wake up and think that they want to make life complicated today. So, then why do we do it? Why is simplification so difficult sometimes, especially when it means so much? I understand the answer can be different for everyone, but I think something that applies to most is the push we have from societal demands. The silent ones are the worst… be present but don’t waste a minute, workout to show your kids what matters but spend as much time with your kids as you can, stay home to nurture the family but show the kids what hard work and determination really bring and that relying on others to thrive is no way to live, a messy house is the sign of a happy family but be Instagram worthy all day every day. It’s tiring just to think about, let alone live every single day. It is easy to go into survival mode and simply put your head down and start the countdown until bedtime. But there’s so much more for us. We were fearfully and wonderfully made to live abundantly, and in my quest to help others transform, not conform, I would love to share what has helped me in my journey to understanding myself more.
- Planning = procrastination: just get started. Put pen to paper, call a friend, go for a walk – do something to move the needle forward, even if it is just a little bit. As you wrestle with thoughts, albeit on paper or over the airwaves, things will start to connect and maybe even make sense. But if you never start, you’ll never get to this point.
- If you are an internal processor like me, don’t hesitate to write it all down. Sometimes I even include the weather in my notes. I like to make mention how I am feeling (depleted, hungry, frustrated, tired, etc.) without going into too much of a rant because I want to focus on moving through these emotions, not staying stuck there.
- Be still. Seriously, just stop. Stop searching. Stop running. Stop looking for excuses. Stop. It helps to have some quiet here, or if you are at all like me, sometimes the silence is too much… so instrumental music helps. Just recently, I have been tapping into the magic of Summer nights symphonies. The crickets, cicadas, random owls, and bullfrogs are just enough white noise to keep me focused without going nuts in the silence. Sounds crazy but don’t knock it till you try it!
- My ego is not my amigo. This idea was first introduced to me in a series of courses I took a few months ago. The catchy phrase stuck. And when I find myself staying small, giving myself permission to pass on the discomfort in an attempt to stay familiar and avoid the risk that growing demands… I remind myself that my ego is just trying to keep me safe… but that is not where I want to stay for long.
- Doing is always better than planning. I have bookshelves full of beautiful journals with thick silky pages, wonderfully colored and coordinated… but it has taken me five years to get to the point of consistently allowing myself to share my content. All those years I had so much to say, so much to contribute, and so much to learn from you all… but I held back because I was afraid. Afraid that the world will see just how much of an imposter I feel at times. Or afraid that someone would read this and judge me and/ or my family. But I understand at the intersection of vulnerability and truth is where true growth begins and that my journey… our journey… was not meant for just us. Someone somewhere out there needs to hear what I am saying, and she will connect to me at the right time for her. But if I remain quiet and just keep filling my shelves, it doesn’t matter how beautiful my work is… it’s fallen into the darkness, and no one – not even me – is reaping all the rewards that such work can give.
- You do not have to understand it all to start. Even professionals, people who have made it their life’s work, don’t understand it all. Anyone who tried to tell you they know it all… is a perfect excuse to run – not walk – the other way. There is only One who knows it all, and it is Him who I am trying to please in humbling myself in sweet surrender and sharing this truth… your incomplete thoughts and ideas are a gift in the making. Try not to wait for them to feel complete before you spread your wings and expand on those ideas and dreams. I firmly believe the enemy lurks in our apprehension and the fear that seems like it should make sense is just enough of a shadow to allow him to stay present in our everyday lives.
- You are allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to completely change course. You may have, at one time, thought it was the last thing you would do. You may feel crazy for even entertaining it, much less doing it – but this is just another reason why we should train our minds to steer clear of total thoughts of no way, not ever, always, and forever kind of mindsets. Because if we allow ourselves the growth that “not right now” allows us to feel and the desires and emotions that actually serve you and your dreams, you will become the dangerous force you were created to be.
- Million-dollar moments are everything. What are million-dollar moments? I like to think of them as the little times throughout your day that determine the actions you take when you can make decisions that matter. For instance, I know if Tom comes home after work and puts his workout clothes on then we are going to do some sort of exercise, whether it is restorative yoga or a difficult cardio sweat session. Whatever our goal for working out that day it will get done if he comes home and ties his sneakers. If, however, he grabs a beer and heads to the deck to chill after a long day, I can surmise that we are not working out, and at that point, this milestone moment has passed, and through our conscious or unconscious decision, we’ve decided to shelf our workout plans for the evening. The reasons really don’t matter – it’s a do or don’t kind of situation. For me, I like to practice intermittent fasting as I allow my body to heal from this crazy inflammation I have been experiencing. When I grab a plate and sit down at the breakfast table, I know my fasting window will end prematurely. Normally tying sneakers and grabbing a plate off the shelf is not so loaded, but during these milestone moments, they decide what direction you will go at that particular moment. In time, these become more conscious, and that is where the magic happens because you realize you have often had second chances and that you’re surrounded by grace if you just know where to look for it.
- Be the girl who goes for it. Listen intently to your heart. And in the listening – learn to hear what your dreams and aspirations are not saying… and allow them to guide you to the yes’s, and no’s you say to yourself and others. Learning how to say no is an art… but it’s well within your grasp as long as you are using your heart, showing kindness, and staying vigilant in practicing the art of saying now. Understand the beauty and truth in knowing that when you say no to something, you are opening up a yes to something else. If it makes your heart smile, say yes to that.
- Look back. Listen. Reflect. Then forge on. I think meditation gets a bad rep for being so difficult and regimented. But for me, meditation and reflection go hand in hand. Sometimes it is chaotic there, and other times it is more peaceful in my mind. But no matter what, looking back and seeing what has worked and what hasn’t, not to mention where I have come from, allows me to see what I should say yes or no to in the future.
- It doesn’t have to be pretty to get done. Sure, some things need to feel good, and there are even some things that need to stay looking nice… but brain fog and thought distortions sometimes make for ugly brain dumps and unattractive words/ thoughts but getting this stuff out into the light stops it from growing into something bigger and uglier. Brene Brown likens these thoughts to Gremlins… the ones that are fed and watered after midnight. Don’t let your “Thought Gremlins” get the best of you for too long. Lightness will always kill the darkness. Be the light.
- Start small and finish strong. The next chapter is right up ahead, but if you don’t stop to look for it, listen for it and allow it in – you just may miss it. The best is yet to come, my friend.
I hope this helps you. I am sure that you’ll identify with some of these ideas and you will be able to add your own. Depending on the season of my life, I may add and delete some too. But, these are the steps that often lead me to my biggest growth moments despite the initial struggle that usually always tries to keep me small.
I’ve created a free .pdf for you to print out so that you can customize this hard work for yourself and get on the path to knowing your best self. That journey to the best you is only one next best decision away. You can do this, and I would love to help. I certainly don’t know it all, but I may be a few steps ahead of you, and I would love for you to grab my hand so I can help you. Just remember the fear that we have that lies ahead is real, and it matters, but when we know who walks beside us through it all, that big scary fear has a way of melting away with the bright light and promises that tomorrow holds.
Be kind to yourself and others,
Jenn