Understanding the boundaries that requiring a universal title creates.
The collective. The Spirit. The Universe. The Force.
In my mind, these have all been more widely accepted names for God. I understand saying this may turn some of you away. But before you hit that “x” button, let me explain that I respect and honor all of you who think differently and use these words in other ways. You see, in my heart and throughout all of my understanding of the many avenues of teachings I have pursued in spirituality, I firmly believe that the God who I believe in, doesn’t get tied down or bogged down with labels and names. I believe He seeks out those who are open-minded and open-hearted enough to surrender. In that pursuit and in that sweet surrender, He understands the heart of the humbled. The name, the label, may come later. But in His omnipresence, in all His love for us, I cannot wrap my head around the thought that He would stop short of a title if we were truly led, humbled, and thereby driven by the Spirit to pursue a wild & crazy life full of beautiful struggles and incredible triumphs that only He could orchestrate. The most important thing I have learned, in a nutshell, is that God does not make our lives hard because he is angry with us. Rather, we encounter tough times because He is strengthening us for what is to come. He knows what’s next and making us flex those muscles makes sense to Him, even when it doesn’t make sense to us. In. fact, the stranger the challenge, the more you can be assured it is from God.
I hope that my journey to understand God, and all his provisions and pursuits of me, will help you in some way to open your mind and heart in understanding your personal and potential blocks. For the longest time, I believed in a higher being, I believed that my life was not my own, and to a certain extent evolution never really made any sense… however I had a mind block in calling this being God. It is a part of my story that I am not proud of and one that I would love to hide under a big rock to never sort through again. But, as part of my brokenness has let His light shine through, I understand that my mistakes and burdens could help you understand how to soften your heart to the idea that you are so loved and never alone because God always has your back. Unfortunately, my past is riddled with hurtful memories full of judgment and shame. I resented those memories and the people who handed them to me as an innocent child. I felt that my potential was taken away from me before I even had a chance to grow because of others’ selfishness and cowardice. But now I know that no amount of pain or sadness is ever wasted. All the sadness, heaviness, and burden that I carried for far too long are a part of my story. And as much as my story matters, it matters even more so that I share it with you. You see, I believe we are all connected and, in that, our peaks and valleys all occur so that we can share them with others. Differences happen. Life happens. Sometimes things never make sense and other times we connect the dots and end with a facepalm. Either way, we were meant to live this crazy life together and it took me far too long to realize that strength in surrender and pride in shame is the primary goal of my life… and sharing our journey is the primary mission in God’s Plan for each of us.
All these titles have my head spinning. I just want to be able to use the word God without feeling as though I offend others because I know that the me 7-10 years ago may have felt as though this blog, this group wasn’t for me. I had a hurt beyond words that stemmed from the people who I trusted most, people who also claimed to believe in God. And, if my shortcomings and life barriers were from the same god that these people prayed to, I wanted no part in such a life riddled with destructive decisions and painful actions. They seemed to get away with so much, yet hurt so many. No thank you. And so, I continued to believe… and I always thought that there was something more. But the name “God”, “Jesus” or “Holy Spirit” along with all the other descriptors like “The Holy Trinity” that were unique to ‘religious people’ were big flashing lights saying get away from a subconscious belief that was formed before I gave it permission to stay there and take space in my beliefs.
On a beautiful sunny mid-morning at the end of August, the kind of day that looks illuminated from all angles in a golden hue of beauty, I realized that this Divine Master that I knew all my life was a bit of a lie. Before I could remember, I was told that almost everything we did here on Earth, made God angry. And therefore, when I would commit any type of sin God was mad at me. From this anger, he created obstacles in my life that would not have otherwise been there if I chose a more pure path.
It never made sense that the handful of people who hurt me so intensely was continually held in such high esteem. They demanded respect while I was the one that always had to prove my worth. I was the one who was broken and who always needed to apologize because I was just one mistake away from more anger. I was confused. But I took comfort in helping others and making them happy, and so I would agree with them. I never questioned them. When I was young I tried to be the class clown and family entertainer. As I grew up, I realized that my humor was more of a distraction than talent, so I dove into being a compulsive rule follower. I was one extreme or the other. At times, others’ burdens were sometimes too heavy for me to carry, so I made it my job to make them lighter by creating laughter, often times at the expense of my own comfort.
In losing myself, I found God.
And so, I have taken on the responsibility and understanding that the sunshine and joy I am able to bring to the world is a gift from God. And that through my trials and triumphs I am able to amplify just how much love and forgiveness I have been gifted because I am broken. So broken. But that is what makes me beautiful.
Your brokenness makes you beautiful.
Thank you for reading this and I hope to inspire you to live your true life and understand that all your struggles, all your victories, and everything in between is for a great purpose. It is so that you can help others through your story.
Excited to continue this new chapter with you.
