For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11
It’s funny how right smack in the middle of a normal day something sounds the alarms in your mind and all of the sudden the gremlins of fear and doubt start shouting there voices over an otherwise quiet day. Most days the thoughts in my mind are random: Like for example: “Wonder how _______ is doing today. You should text her.” “Find some hacks for eating healthy while camping at the beach.” And the classic (right around 4pm question I think more often than I would like…) “What will you make for dinner tonight?” This is just a glimpse of the variety of random thoughts that pop into my mind on a normal day. Now take a day where I spent even just a few minutes in ‘the wilderness’ and phew it gets way more dark. Thoughts like “Are you really parenting them with God’s purpose in mind or are you listening to what only you want?” “What happens if…”. “Remember the last time you…” And even worse, “Why not spend some time planning and researching then you will do it” or “You really need to Google it… Look on YouTube, Pinterest, etc. About a year ago I realized the ultimate form of distraction was a unique spin on an otherwise very innocent hobby/ habit… journaling. I made it my job to collect many journals, art supplies and fancy pens only to reluctantly sit down and freeze. Apparently these items that were meant to be used intimidated me so much that I didn’t want to ruin the planners/ journals with my writing. And so I continued to collect paper versions and .pdfs of formats and I never actually wrote much down. I was stuck in the preparation part because it kept me safe. Often times (over) preparation leads to distraction and ultimately I just never start. So, I need to be hyper aware when my mind is telling me to sit down and do some research. Sometimes it is beneficial, but more often than I’d like to admit, it is just a diversion tactic that ultimately leads to inaction. Maybe you can relate?
But back to my shadow thoughts in the wilderness moments. Ugh. They are heavy and haunting and persistent. I wish my positive thoughts we half as loud and seemingly accurate as my negative ones. Can you imagine how great life would be if “Think of what happened last time…”. conjured up images of success and persistence even if the ultimate outcome was what others would perceive as failure? I mean if it is true that failure is proof that we are trying… doesn’t that count for something? But instead when we ask that question, most of us hang our heads and recount the many times that we tried and failed and put another paver on the path to loser-hood. But what if we, instead, would accept those thoughts and dissect them for what we did right and then, even more importantly, where things went wrong so that we can do better next time?
What if “I fell off the bandwagon with healthy eating this weekend.” was a GPS to a better version of ourself versus a stone in the backpack of self doubt and regret that we choose to pick up and wear daily. In time, those stones are heavy and they hurt more collectively than they ever would just one by one. Those same stones that we carry we also allow others to throw at us not necessarily in just the words they say, but also in the ideas we think they are sharing. The doubts, regrets, fears and shame that we carry around only makes these self- inflicted implications more dark and heavy the more we allow them into our minds and take up residency. Darkness, isolation, silent words, and shame are where the enemy does his finest work. Remember, a half truth is still a half lie.
So, in my current season of life I am facing a deluge of discomfort in realizing that my oldest son is already starting to spread his fledgling adult wings and fly at the tender age of 16. All of the sudden the teen I prayed would someday comfortably socialize with others, of all ages and stages, as well as find his passion in alignment with (as best as we can tell) his true purpose here on earth finally did just that. He has started his Summer internship with an attitude of gratitude and a heart for hard work that a Momma’s heart just beams with happiness to see. He also started talking to a girl and asked her to come to youth group with him. He met her Momma, opened the cardoor for her, and showed her the kind of respect that made my heart smile. And yet I felt flat. I see this. I thank God for it. I prayed for it and now it is here… but why do I feel so darn empty inside? Why does my heart long for the days of slow mornings and coffee chats on the porch? That’s a simple answer with a very complicated what now question that accompanies it… Because this is not my story to tell. In raising the kids to find their strengths, hone in on what they love and align it with God’s purpose none of that involves me. I am not the master of this creation. He is. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the moment. To see just what is in front of us, but what matters more is stepping back and realizing that part of the kids finding their purpose has me and Tom tied into it, but we are only one part of this beautiful tapestry that God has created. Have you ever looked at the back of a tapestry blanket? It doesn’t make much sense. The lines and connections just look like scrappy work. But then flip it over and the beautiful, detailed, full picture can be seen. That’s my current situation in a snapshot. So, for now, I promise myself just one thing… always look up. In doing so I realize I am only seeing the underside of this beautiful picture and then I lay it all at His feet. This is not easy. But it is simple. And I remind myself daily, sometimes on a minute to minute basis, that the battle has already been won. My job, and yours too, is to trust and believe in the unseen because in this we will receive the kind of hope and faith that only God can give.
Stronger together always. Jenn