”Hey Mom, I have something to tell you. I met a girl and she is kind of nice. We’re talking. Also, I really like getting up with a purpose and going to work. I know I’m gone all day, but I enjoy the hard work. Also, when you texted me yesterday asking if I was drinking enough water it distracted me. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I am learning new machines and I can’t give that and texting you back all my focus. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. Are you okay?”
This was my conversation with Mitch last night as we sat shoulder to shoulder watching one of the first groups lightening bugs of summer light up. The fireflies in the distance were far enough away that their lights were blurred together but every once and I while I could see one flicker and it made me smile. Even after all these years, lightening bugs make me smile and the fact that Tom and the kids have such an appreciation for lifes little miracles (like the bioluminesence of a firefly) proves to me that I am at least doing something right.
The blur was from the tears that just fell out of my eyes uncontrollably. There was no hard crying, no noise, just the burn in my eyes and tickle of tears streaming down my face. Oh and the lump in my throat was almost gagging me. But I tried my best to play it cool. I tried to see that God is in the story even if I am feeling more alone now than I have in a long while. I tried to remind myself that these are the moments we prepared him for and wished for him for so many years. The desire to work hard, socialize well, meet new people, and focus on the task at hand and not make distractions an excuse for living below our purpose… these are the exact hopes and dreams we have when we decide to parent through the hard times. These are the outcomes to my desperate prayers when I had no idea what I was doing and how to help in the moment.
But what was this burn in my eyes lump in my throat kind of belly twisting heaviness I am feeling? If I focused too much on it, it would become hard to breathe. And so I didn’t. I made a conscience effort to distance myself from this reaction and choose to respond. I have heard it been said that there is great power in the pause, and there was never a time that rang more true than this. And so, Mitch and I sat, quietly and contently watching lightening bugs until the washer alarm went off signaling to us a time to transfer his new work shirts and jeans over to the dryer or on the clothes line. We hugged and went to bed after wishing one another good night. The distance, once I finished counting sleep (err um crying and talking to God) was just what we needed because in the morning I realized just what was happening. I was entering into a zone where where memories and goals are less about me and more about Mitch. This is natural. This is good. This is growing up. And the hurt I feel is proof that I love my kids so much that it well… hurts sometimes. BUT, like every difficult season, every wilderness journey, the key is to not stay stuck in the muck. So what now?
I admit, sometimes I sit down with a hidden agenda or timeline for God to unfold for me hoping and wishing that I will get what I want. Rarely is it ever (overtly) selfish. Often times it involves others and sometimes it is even all about others. However, I am guilty of sitting prayerfully and expecting more of something like a genie in a bottle to grant me my wishes versus finding patience and being still so I can listen to my Creator. I trust in Him. But without even knowing it I have suggestions and requests for the ways things should turn out. And more often than not, I am not convicted of these realizations until my prayer time is over… and sometimes long after I show up similarly over and over again – I realize each and every time that hurt and pain I felt was just what I needed to get through the next thing. Something I had no idea was coming. And that waiting that drove me nuts was actually there so that the timing was perfect for me to get to the next step where growth happens.
And so, this is still muddy water. But I realize that the more I lean in and trust in God, the more I prove to Him that I trust Him with the small stuff and the big stuff and all the stuff I have no idea will happen. I cannot imagine loving my kids more, but He does. And Mitchel’s path is laid for him by God, not me. My parenting and love will get him only so far. His love and trust in the Lord will carry him further than anyone can imagine. And so my plan, for now, is to show Mitch what it is like to wonder, hurt, question,, and fear for what’s next mixed with rejoice, hope and love what is now, all the while singing praises to the One who is a master of the chaos and who delights in our longing for Him even in especially in the hardest of hard times.
Stay strong girl. We got this 🙂